Reaching the age of needing more maintenance done on this ole frame, I’ve finally relinquished control and gave into having a colonoscopy done next month. 

Yes this is what everyone is supposed to have done after 50 to prevent colon cancer. Colon cancer is very treatable when caught early. So, it’s the right thing to do.

I’ve delayed the great hosing with excuses such as ‘I’ve had my head up my butt most of my life and I haven’t seen any problems up in there that need attention’. 

I went yesterday for the workup and that office presence alone just made my BP elevate to an unsafe place. 

Then they gave me the prep and instructions. NO FOOD the day before? WHAT? 

People, I don’t just wake up looking like this. This thing needs feeding every 2 hours like an infant.  

I asked about coffee because if coffee couldn’t be involved you can just count me out right there, cause that’s just being mean to cut a man’s coffee off. 

Then they tell me I have to drink the prep at 530. Ok, cool. Being a nurse, I got what happens next. It’s not pretty and very similar in my mind to a what would happen if Hoover dam burst. But I’m cool with it as long as they get a clear visualization of my perfect innerds. 

And THEN she says I gotta get up at 230 am and do this again!? WOMAN !! Is there any extra charge for this torture?

Now you’re just getting silly and carried away with your colonic authority. 

But acutally, it’s like I’m gonna not sleep anyway worrying about Hoover dam bursting beneath me. 

And oh yea, be here at 630…AM. 

To make sure we’re on the same page I asked ‘don’t eat for a day, drink fluids only, stay up all night making sure you’re properly ‘cleaned’ out. ‘

She says ‘yes sir, that’s it’. 

I replied, ‘lady…you won’t let me eat all day, then make me poo till can’t walk, then go to bed, then get back up at 230 in the morning, clean it all out again, then be here by 630? You can just cancel any anstehesia. This ole boy will be passed out like a drunk on Beale Street IF I make it here.’

Jeez louise. 

But, I’ll do it because this is my tune up year and it’s the right thing to do.

Please hold up your cigarette lighters as we all prevent colon cancer and sing along with KC and the Sunshine Band…

 ‘Shake your booty’. 

Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Colon Tour.

That’s the best I can tell about it. 


OH yea….Where can a fellar get Cheeseburger flavored broth????