Before the procedure:

It is very true that nurses make the worst patients. Especially old ones like me. We’ve simply seen too much. We’ve seen what CAN go wrong. And those are the things that can go through a nurse’s mind while they’re being poked, prodded and evaluated.

One of the most infamous lines in the Bible comes to mind here in the waiting room, ‘It is finished’, or about to be finished. I’m pretty exhausted from not eating real food and all of the purging that’s went on. Sitting here in the waiting room looking at my name band on my wrist, I’m a little worried about being put to sleep. I’ve only been sedated once and that was for an appendectomy when I was 8 or 9 and I was hurting so badly I didn’t care if they cut my arm off and beat me with it.

To this day, I’ve been a blessed man and haven’t needed a whole lot of maintenance work done.

But I’m glad that I’ve decided to get this done. Peace of mind.  It was worth it no matter what they find. At least I’ll know.

The nurse, Bonnie (who is also a friend from my hometown) went above and beyond in helping me keep my composure.  It’d have looked bad on her nursing skills had a 6’4″ man broken down sobbing like a little girl with a skinned knee before going into the procedure.   A sweet nurse named Lisa, from Mississippi, started an IV on me, which was a first. Well, except the time that Carla Kelly and I started IVs on each other for practice.  The anesthesiologist, Dr. Clay Garret, then came in and talked awhile and that soothed things over nicely. He is an extremely nice man of an empathetic and professional confidence that made me feel much better than I had about being put to sleep.

A most awesome nurse named Morgan volunteered that she had a mini Snickers in her PERSONAL stash that I could have if I was a good boy.

This little chic had me at ‘Snickers’….

I was rolled into a room full of welcoming people, 02 in my nose, electrodes stuck to a very hairy chest, my all time favorite Billy Joel serenaded overhead, so that was perfect. Dr. Little was there and talked about what he would do, seeing if I was comfortable, did I have questions, and what would happen afterwards. Again, empathetic and professional confidence goes a long way to soothe a savage scared beast. They kept me covered as best they could, then they asked me to roll on my left side and shoulders. The last thing I remember was me and Billy staring at my IV tubing in my left antecubital and thinking I really, really, really just want to close my ey……


AFTER the procedure: 

‘WAKE UP!’ Was the next thing I remember. Someone somewhere said something about a ‘toot’. Being the ever observant one, even semi-drunken, I reflected that ‘you said toot’.  So, I was able to laugh myself awake at the word ‘toot’. But, I’m simple like that I reckon.

Someone walked by and asked what I thought about it, I said ‘it was like the Waterhole all over again!’. Diprivan is a wonderful drug. No wonder Mr. Jackson loved it to death, literally. It induced a cool little seasonal hibernation for me. It was possibly like a bear might experience in winter, then awaken all rested, yawning and ready to roam…..

and to eat.

As my sleepy eyes peeled apart, to my right was the most beautiful sight I had seen in quite awhile; a shiney read cold Coke, peanut butter and crackers and that beforehand promised mini-Snickers from my new friend Morgan. I must have been that good boy.

Once I sufficiently sobered up, this angelic recovery nurse named Pam gave me my results which were one polyp that they didn’t think was anything but it was removed and sent off for biopsy. So, hopefully, that’ll come back negative and I won’t have to see my new bffs chicken broth and green Jello for many years.

I was told to eat, drink, be merry but not drive for a day. So I got up, got my Gildans drawers back on and was happily wheeled out to my waiting minivan chariot driven by my loving wife of nearly 34 years.

You can teach people most anything, but you can’t teach nice. You either have nice or you don’t have nice.  EVERYONE at West Tennessee Gastro was top notch and each one of them is filled up to the top level with nice. I apologize if I missed anyone, but know that you are appreciated for your work and your excellent attitude. I recommend you all get a big fat raise!

My wife and I had a wonderful breakfast filled with pancakes and relief at Cracker Barrel. I couldn’t eat 1/3 of that. My stomach wasn’t quite as ready as my mind was.20170518_092548

So, to my followers, friends, family, etc. I wrote this blog about my colonoscopy to encourage all of us to not put it off. I know a man who never had one done and he left behind a host of family and friends that loved him. He died because of colon cancer.

We owe our family and our friends a day or two of being uncomfortable. They love us and we love them. That love is worth it.

And that love deserves our very best attention because life is so quick.

And because love is a good thing to have in that quick life.

So, schedule yourself for a colonoscopy if you haven’t. It’ll be ok. And, I’ll be glad to let you borrow my new best friends chicken broth and green Jello.

That’s the best I can tell about it.